Jacquie Hale
Life Coach
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Grumbling

This morning I noticed I was rehearsing a little complaint about Jim. Once I noticed that, I got curious about why I was doing it—it truly was something minor. I had been stacking and organizing the magazines and thinking, “He never stacks the magazines.  He always leaves them in tumble-down piles. Blah, blah, blah.”

So, I asked myself what I really wanted from this bit of mental gymnastics. I was trying to stop him from claiming that he organizes the magazines because he did it once a few months ago. I do it every week, sometimes more often. There was some nasty little jockeying for position here and it was going on entirely in my head. I am sure that Jim has never wanted to claim the prize for being The Organized One in the household. Obviously, that was a prize I wanted. What was this all about?

I firmly believe that when we grumble inwardly, there’s something we are needing—often, it’s a hole caused by something we were lacking in childhood. It doesn’t really matter what the other person is doing, although that does give us a clue about what it going on. In the above scenario, I wanted to be seen as the one who keeps the house organized. I wanted validation.

No, organization wasn’t something missing in my childhood! My mother did a bang-up job of that. What was missing in my childhood was appreciation. I longed to be acknowledged for helping with the housework, getting good grades, or learning to play the French horn. I imagine my parents did appreciate me but they didn’t tell me. That’s what I was longing for this morning, to be appreciated for what I do.

Now, here’s the interesting part. It would be great if Jim acknowledged the orderliness of the magazines, but isn’t it a little silly to think that he would notice. After all, I’m the one who really wants them stacked up neatly, so it’s logical that I’m the one who needs to appreciate me for what I do, not Jim.

However, if Jim notices something I do that makes his life richer and tells me, then my heart sings and I feel validated all the way back to when I did the family’s ironing every week. Feeling appreciated goes a long, long way.

The Art of Appreciation

Ø       Appreciate yourself.

Ø       Appreciate others.

Ø       Allow others’ appreciation of you to land.

You know, that last on could have been my problem all along. Maybe my antenna or tuner were broken. The way I’ll know is my inner appreciation has filled in the childhood hole, is if I stop grumbling.   

I want to say something here about the process I used to find the cause of my grumbling. As I said, if you have a recurring complaint, it usually has something to do with something you are needing to know about yourself.

What’s the Cause of Grumbling

1. Notice if you’ve had this complaint before in the same or similar form. If so, proceed to the next step.
2. Take a deep breath and ask yourself what emotions you feel about this complaint.
3. Keep breathing deeply until you discover the emotion(s) (there’s help for identifying this in the Additional Information section).
4. Once you know what you feel, ask yourself, “Where did this feeling start?” Often, you have a vague or strong impression of something from your childhood or adolescence.
5. Thank your inner guidance system for giving you such great information because you are about to be free of this attachment.
6. Ask yourself how you can fill that hole, heal that wound, stop that ache. Explore different possibilities.
   1. You may want to ask the other person for help, explaining the origin of your feeling and how certain behavior affects you.
   2. You could journal or set an intention to discover a remedy that disconnects you from the old feeling that is no longer needed in adulthood.
   3. It could be that just recognizing the syndrome is enough for you to release it.
   4. Ask a friend to brainstorm about it with you.
7. Be conscious of the habit to complain and remind yourself that it’s a habit you can stop.

Congratulations, you are on your way to a life of authenticity which means you are living in the present and not reacting to present events from past conditioning.

© Jacqueline Hale, 2003