Jacquie Hale
Life Coach
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Criticizing

Here’s a guilty pleasure—I watch Judging Amy, every week. One reason I do is because Amy—or more exactly, Amy’s writers, develop material so that Amy seems brilliant in her courtroom but often she’s a mess at home. I like that about her. Sometimes she’s wise and compassionate, sometimes she’s not. She’s like you and me.  Don’t we all need to know that when we don’t live up to our own expectations we are still decent human beings?

A few weeks ago, my column about grumbling struck a chord in many readers. A more severe form of grumbling is called criticizing.  That’s a demon I have had to fight over the years. I grew up being critical, it was a way of life in my family. We thought everyone should be perfect—and perfection was being just like us. I’ve come a long way since I left Ohio. I no longer look around and have an opinion about everyone—how people dress, what they eat, or when they use their turn signal. I’ve become much more tolerant. It might have something to do with living in Berkeley or it could have something to do with my growing up, at last.

The other day though, I was criticizing someone. I was doing it just in my head, but I’m sure I’ve said it out loud, too. I was saying things like, “She’s too pushy. She has to have things her own way. She really bosses him around. She thinks he has to do everything her way.” (Oh bother, just writing it makes me squirm. You’ll see why in a minute.)

When I caught myself in one of my less-than-perfect activities, I got curious. Why was I doing that? As I mentioned in the grumbling article, there are questions you can ask yourself to find the underlying reason for things you do. I asked myself what I really wanted from my critical view but I didn’t get an answer. I didn’t really want anything. So, I asked myself another powerful question. What does this have to do with me? How is that like me? (If you’d like a visual reminder about this question, think of it like this: When you are pointing your finger at someone, three fingers are pointing at you.)

In the case of my gripe session, I didn’t have to look very far to realize that I could say the exact same thing about me. I want to have things my own way. In particular, I want Jim to do things exactly the way I want them done. And when I realized this, I wanted even more not to control him. I truly want him to be his own person. After all, that was what attracted me to him in the first place. He was and is an independent thinker. He’s clever and intelligent and has a great sense of humor. (He also puts up with my using him as a guinea pig in my coaching, speaking, and writing. Bless him!) When I give up on having things done my way, it allows him to be more creative. He can try out different techniques and find the best one for him. When people are more creative, I see more options in the world.  There are many ways to slice an onion and when it comes to stew, does it matter if it’s my way or your way? Nope.

Powerful Questions

If you want to stop nagging and complaining, here are some questions to ask yourself:

• What do I really want?

• How is this really something about me?

• What does this remind me of from the past?

Try these questions the next time you find yourself pointing your finger at someone. You might be surprised at what you learn about yourself.

Vibrant Life Activity

Think of something that really bugs you in the world, for example, being cut off in traffic, people who get in the express line with more than 12 items, or people who talk your ear off at a party.

1. Name the activity or trait that bugs you.
2. Describe all the things that bug you about it. (It’s inconsiderate. It wasted my time. I get bored.)
3. Ponder what you can learn about yourself from your criticism.

The first time I did this in coaching school, I chose “people who were inconsiderate” to work with. We had to personify and exaggerate the trait during our lunch break. It was challenging. I walked across the street and made the traffic stop for me! I stood right in front of the menu at the taqueria making it hard for others to see what was offered. I demanded that we sit in the shade. I returned to class late. Wow! That was a very difficult exercise for me. As I sit here writing about it, my stomach is in knots. I’m afraid they won’t like me (whoever they are). I also became aware of how often I didn’t get what I wanted in the name of being considerate. For example, instead of reading the whole menu and holding up the line, in the past, I had ordered the first thing I saw that looked good without really knowing everything that was offered. I sat where the group wanted, even if that was too hot or too cold or too sunny.

As a result of that exercise, I found better ways to be considerate without giving up my own rights. The interesting thing is, now when I see someone being inconsiderate, I don’t take it so personally and I don’t think negative things about them. It’s a blessed relief.

(c) 2003, Jacqueline Hale